October 2, 2019

As you read this, I will be in Colorado, and heading to Albuquerque to visit my son Colin and his  significant other. We timed our visit to allow us to attend the annual balloon festival. It so happens that Seth’s fall break nearly coincides with the balloon event, so we are going to celebrate both. But I will be here on the 2nd and 3rd Sundays this month to work with you on the notion of “Belonging.” Meanwhile, you can contact me for urgent matters.

I love that the word be-longing includes “longing.” It has been said that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart. I’m aware that “God” is a word and a concept that is helpful to some of you and unhelpful, even harmful, for others. When I use it, it comes from my understanding of a Higher Power, which I have cobbled together from Jung, Paul Tillich, Thomas Merton, the 12 Steps, and the experiences and inquiries of my life. When I use it, if you don’t feel connected, please think of it as “Good Orderly Direction.” Does that work?

I don’t know that I would say everyone has a God-shaped hole, but I get the implication. I am certain that, for some part, maybe all of our lives, we are beset by longing, by yearning. If we are honest, we’d acknowledge that there is no thing that can assuage that feeling of emptiness, distress, or despair. Things are temporary, transient, impermanent.

 Colin, who is eight-plus years sober, has an answer: Go help somebody. He does a great deal of service, through sponsoring other men, visiting jail, and leading meetings. This may not entirely fill the gap, but he swears it keeps him sane.

A critical question here is whether helping others may actually be hindering them

In Family Systems studies, we’d say that helping too much (over-functioning) is harmful to us, and probably not helpful to the recipient. People in 12 step programs learn how to recognize over-functioning (they’d use the term enabling) and begin the process of self-acknowledgement, self-awareness, and self-actualization through rigorous honesty and practice. Family systems uses different terms, but I’m convinced the process is similar. Discovering where you end and other people begin is a way to becoming whole.

The amazing thing is that we can do this work together, because we belong to something greater than ourselves: a community.