January 13, 2020: AND YET HERE WE ARE.

My elder granddog (Gia, age 13) visiting the farm. One thing we can all agree on: puppies are cute.

Dear, dear people:

I, like you (I assume), have been inundated with a barrage of images, sounds, facts, lies, opinions, and prognostication about the Insurrection of January 6th. Perhaps like me, you weren’t surprised. Maybe you were shocked only that there was so little preparation, so little defense. As your Minister, I don’t need to tell you how to feel or, for that matter, to repeat or curate what you’ve already read or considered.

Here’s what I would love to suggest:

This event should have horrified all of us. But those of us who experienced childhood trauma may be particularly affected by the news of this past week. Why? Many reasons. Childhood trauma, even when dealt with, creates deep wounds in us that must be acknowledged. In much the same way that certain sounds and signals re-traumatize vets with PTSD, violence of the past week took many of us to a place where we’d been betrayed, bullied, violated, abused, and attacked with words and actions.

For me, those insurrectionists (I feel like that word gives them too much credit, since they were more of an angry mob) triggered every memory of white, entitled men (and these are NOT ALL MEN, in fact they’re a minority) who’ve intimidated, demeaned, and objectified me. Behind the subtle “humor” and good-natured “kidding” lies a rage that can be unleashed at any moment. Women, people of color, marginalized people, and many men know this.

Furthermore, some of us were not just the bullied but were also the bullies. We like to think we are nothing like those people. But if we are honest we all have a rageful, vengeful, maybe even a violent self somewhere in us. I know I do. It’s not the place I order my life from, but it can come out if I think I’m defending something or someone I deeply believe in.

So. We may regress in some ways that surprise us. Eating too much or unhealthfully. Slipping away from routines that we rely upon to stay healthy and steady. Watching too much TV or spending all day on the phone “doom-scrolling,” as one pundit called it. I found myself retreating into a documentary about Scientology on Netflix.

A colleague mentioned on social media that a HS classmate had contacted her on LinkedIn. She was aghast that he clearly disremembered having taunted her for being Jewish and had even put a swastika on her locker. She wondered what to do. Some replies suggested she ignore him, others that she confront him.

I didn’t have a suggestion about what to do, but applauded her for being vulnerable and reaching out to us. Colleagues she knew well, and others, like me, she knew mostly online. Her post gave me the incentive to think about my own responses, and also to think about ways I might have been complicit in bullying long ago. No, I didn’t paint swastikas or anything like that, but bullying takes many forms.

Reach out. Try to take care of yourself, but don’t pile judgment on top of shame by scolding yourself if you don’t. Avoid people who make you feel worse. Join your church family, even if you don’t feel like it. Someone else may be encouraged by seeing you there. I love you!

Cynthia

Our new grandpuppy, Haze! Her older sister Gia is completely traumatized.